You should probably all read this

So I only just said goodbye again to a lot of you, only just told you all that Paris is where I want to be and I'm off back to continue the adventure.  Well here's the thing guys, Paris and I are taking a break, I'm coming back to the UK.

Never thought I'd say that, until I went back home for a few weeks.  Home made me think A LOT.  I realised I wanna be back being creative, maybe in the theatre. I want at least pay off some debts. And I want to live with my family for a little bit again before I can't.  Paris can't give me these things here, jobs would be crap, enough to survive. There would never be anything left over to save and my family are definitely not here.

It took a week back in Paris to put this all together and realise where I need to be. I cried more then I have in a year; leaving the city is not going to be easy but I feel calmer and more at peace then I have in months. I'm excited about a new adventure!!

This whole unemployment thing has been hard, I do not like it. But it's also been a complete walk with God, I've learnt a whole new level of trusting in him and giving it over completely.  When I did I got the answer; not the one I first wanted and I wouldn't of listened to 2 months ago. Now is different though, this is completely right, there is no failure here, just a whole load of strength and growth.

I came to Paris broken, I was in a difficult place with life and my faith. I accidentally found myself in a church one day and everything changed.  Thanks to my Paris St Michael's and my extensive Paris family, I'm good again. I faced up to the scars of the past, and made big life changes. Telling all these amazing people that I'm leaving was hard,  but I was met with more support then I could ever have imagined. Affirmation that I'm doing the right thing. 

Paris isn't going anywhere so who knows if I'll be back. I'll certainly be top visitor. There will be no goodbyes just see you soons.

So the 7th of September guys.  There's your date. There better be banners.

Oh hey, remember me?

My bad, it's been 2 months now (actually more but let's not mention the odd few weeks). For a little while there I got bored, lost, angry, confused, I dunno; all the feels that just didn't need the internet. Then I went on some adventures and had so much fun I forgot to share. Now I'm back, well I'll give it a try.

What do you need catching up on?
dunno
I went on holiday(s) for the first time since 19, I can now add Italy (Rome & Florence), Amsterdam and some little town called Canouville in Normandy to the list of places I've been.

We did another one of those massive youth events, this time in Chantilly (another excellent excuse for a weekend away...) and it was amazing yet again. I actually had a chance to catch up with the girls I spoke about before which was awesome.

Er, summer is here, kind of, so now work can include park trips again shifts seem much shorter. Also means there is more outdoor picnics, drinking, canal sitting and sun fun to be done and have.

Oh yeah, Easter happened (crap it's been a while) my first Easter away from home, could've sucked but I spent it in a lovely apartment with 17 people whom are pretty much the Parisian family; it was such a special day that left my heart so full that it even gave the Arding's a run for their money. I also cooked lamb for the first time; thank goodness for Australian friends who can tell you if it's cooked or not

There was a month of bank holidays, France gets all over them in May, like one a week. It was très bon, more time for holidays, sun fun and more recently dress shopping. Basically more time with loved ones less time at work, can't argue with that.

I think that's it, I should probably tell you about all my lovely travels, well it all started in Italy...

Rome to be exact, it's where Robyn is, Robyn used to be found in Aberystwyth but got all jelly about my new amazing life and went off to au pair in Rome. Well it was wonderful being reunited especially in such a beautiful city. Visiting someone who lives there meant I got a pretty cool deal, my first night finished at 7:30am thanks to jobs and knowing the right people (and whisky bars and men on motorbikes) I've decided the only real sober point was the Vatican (well done me) and definitely not my train to Florence (not so well done). Anyway it was 3 pretty ridiculous days but you know, when in Rome...

After Rome came Florence and a very long self date, yup never travelled solo before, not sure whether I would again but I did enjoy 48hrs of me time. Florence was just beautiful, I spent two days wandering, eating gelato, sitting on bridges and in churches. It was some what of a centering experience, I didn't have anyone to talk to except myself (in my head of course...) So I figured a lot of stuff out. I'm rubbish at being in my own company but I had to get used to it there. Did mean I ate a whole pizza to myself and got a relatively early night.

2 weeks after Italy I donned a yellow coat and took a (cold) night bus to Amsterdam with Sara. We also managed to convince Shelly and Caleb that Amsterdam for the weekend with us was a wonderful idea but Shelly came by train and Caleb was there a day early because he's an idiot. ANYWAYS Amsterdam was awesome; we stayed on boats, ate amazing food, drank all the coffee, wine, cocktails and whisky, got our culture in with Matisse and biked around the tulip fields. It was all just lovely (and yellow) Amsterdam is flipping beautiful, it felt odd going to another city and falling in love with it, but it's pretty special. Also holidaying with friends, man I forgot how fun it is, I need to do it more.

Another week and a bit in Paris then it was off to Normandy with a whole heap of us young adults from church. We stayed in the massive converted barn which was beautiful and big, and there was a hanging chair. It was in the countryside too, big open spaces, lots of space to explore (I even wrote a song about being on an adventure when Sara and I went on a "walk"). Then we went to the beach and we paddled and drank beer in the sun, I got so homesick for Aber, it reminded me that when my roots finally go down somewhere it won't be far from a beach. The next day we went to this lake thing and got pedel'eaus (geddit?) and then drank beer in the sun. Oh it was a happy time. And living in a house with all your buddies, so fun, I felt 15 again on pathfinder weekends away. There was even murder in the dark. Being home sucked, I did not enjoy waking up and eating breakfast alone. In fact the end of the holidays month sucked so some please book me a new one soon.

I'm back now though, last little stretch as a nounou, don't ask me what's next because I'm clueless right now. I'm pretty sure I know where God wants me but he's not making it easy. And then people have started to leave, but let's not talk about that because it'll make me sad all over again. Life feels in limbo right now, which does not make me happy. Not that life isn't happy because it is, since the sun came out Paris has been a babe. I am happy, I'm just not sure and I don't like being uncertain. 

wow, food

This one time I spent a whole weekend in a food coma. Here's the story of how...

It all started on Saturday, it was the Alpha away day and that meant a day trip to Versailles for team Alpha. If was a very early start but completely worth it, the day went without fault and it was wonderful. After all the guests had gone the team wandered into the town for a brief glance at the château then mojitos and beer in the last of the beautiful spring sunshine we were graced with. Proper mojitos, and for half the price then in Paris, so good we had two jugs. Then there was pizza, I'm a tough cookie when it comes to pizza because I'm not really a fan, I was a fan of this pizza though, for sure. It was gooooood and fresh, in fact I watched it being made thanks to a handy mirror. Well done Versailles, you were wonderful.

Paris at 7am

There's countryside in Versailles

Then there was Sunday, international women's day and I was so blessed to go for lunch for a lovely lady's birthday. 5 of us young adults with 2 women with a lotta life behind them and I just had the best time. We went to a restaurant in the Champs Élysées (keeping it classy) and over lunch Sarah and Jean told us stories of how they came to be in Paris and their husbands. Both just the most amazing stories. The food wasn't bad either, and there was coffee and little cakes. Then we went for more coffee and little cakes, I had macarons this time. I spent roughly two hours post food trying to stay awake and not move to quickly for fear of vomiting, so worth it. Beyond the food though, spending IWD with a group of women, old and young, whom ALL inspire me and I adore was just the loveliest thing. Well done Paris for giving me them.

Then after church we went for drinks. And nachos. And coleslaw. And stolen chips. Washed down with more beer. I'm surprised I could still move to get the metro home. 

But my gastronomical delight of a weekend didn't stop there, nope there was more today, brunch to be exact. There was a 45mins wait for the table so we got coffee from some cool coffee place nearby, very nice. I don't pay much attention to where's cool to go but I sure have a lot of friends up to speed, so I just get them to take me cool places. Anyway, coffee was good. Then brunch, I had cheese, baked camembert. Yum. Then this drink called London Fog, some earl-greyey milky slightly spicy combo, well done me for that choice. Then there was more coffee, and it was free which automatically means it was good. And finally, because it was Caleb's 21st we went for pastries (we probably would've done this minus the birthday but I like to tell myself there was a reason)

Oh Paris (and Versailles) and everyone here, with all your wonderful knowledge of nice places to eat and good coffee places. You've made this weekend a very very happy one. So much love, laughter and food. Killer time. 

I learnt what content feels like

Holidays are over and yet again I've forgotten to write anything for a looong time. Yeah so half term, in France this means two weeks off for the kids. I'm one of the lucky ones, I only worked 3 days in the first week then the rest of the time off. I did lots of walking and exploring.

I went to some greenhouses and spent ages staring at awesome cacti and colourful birds.

I wandered a long way down the Seine and found this awesome shelter thing that tells you all about fishes.

I had lunch in the coolest little café with Nat and appreciated the service in a very good coffee shop with Zoe. There was a fondue outing also which included me discovering Earl Grey beer, it was wonderful. I liked Paris holiday time, I found lots of lovely new places.

But the Kent half of my holiday won, 5 days at home was my best idea. I was super productive which is unusual for me, I got my yearly hair cut, back to having a cold neck. I waved byebye to my trusty little car (finally). I had an assessment for some work over the summer, found my spare glasses and altered some dresses that have sat waiting for ages. And I saw my beautiful friends and spent time with Pops and the A team. Home gave me the chance to just sit on the sofa and watch crappy telly, I genuinely miss this the most.

The dog share my sofa love. She even has her own armchair.

I don't have much else to talk about, no rants up my sleeve or burning issues, life is just life at the moment. It's lovely, I feel at home in Paris and just pretty content with it all. And whilst that might sound like normality for people it certainly isn't for me. I stopped worrying about the future and started trusting that God is going to send me down the right path. There's no trail of destruction following me around here. I quit some really bad habits and discovered I can be quite a patient person. I'm happy, I love my life here and whenever I go back to Kent that's pretty sweet too. Of course life could be better; I have still got a long list of wishes, things to work on. If I could have it my way my mum would be included in the list of people I saw in Kent, I would be a lot braver in situations that terrify me and I probably would learn that whilst guarding your heart is good, it ain't Davy Jones' locker. But for the first time in forever I'm not constantly worrying about what life's gonna throw at me next, but just accepting that this is my life and I should just enjoy it.

“On soft Spring nights I'll stand in the yard under the stars - Something good will come out of all things yet - And it will be golden and eternal just like that - There's no need to say another word.”

Jack Kerouac

Thinking about my younger years

I've lost my artistic flow, my inspiration for rambling, personal blogs has left, it's gone. All of a sudden I'm speechless.

It's not that life has got boring, quite the opposite, I just have nothing to say... yet. 

I dunno guys, how long has it been since I got all up in your grills, 2 weeks again?? My bad (again). What's happened since then, well there was the massive Anglophone youth event at church which was just amazing. Natalie had a vision of a vintagey cafe for the kids to drink hot chocolate in, step in crafty Kate! Lots of brown paper, mis matched chairs and gingham later and I gotta say, we did good. Then the actual event was wonderful, so many beautiful souls there. Huh writing about that has just reminded me of something I wanted to write about. I'll get to that in a minute. So yeah, it was a very special day. 

Last weekend started badly or well, not quite sure which one, so it was the rugby and a birthday. This called for beer and caterpillar cake, then someone suggested Chez George (casually throws Sara shade via the internet)  which meant red wine and dancing to Greek music. Then another dogdy bar later and well hello 6am. Urgh heaps hungover was an understatement. Very worth it though, it was fun guys. And all I had to do on Saturday was bake lots of cake, eat lots of pizza and chill out in the company of lots of friends, not at all difficult. In fact it was super lovely.

So that thing I was gonna talk about, when two girls about 13/14 asked me to pray 'just about life because it's really hard' uh, wow, yeah. How do you answer that when all you remember from being 14 was that life was tough, but that's exactly what it was right. I mean, think back to your teenage self, if you could go to him/her say one thing what would it be? Mine? 'You are doing just fine, you will be fine, you will get through.' (such a cliché.) 14-16 were some pretty yucky years for me for one reason or another but I'm still here, in fact I'm 23 and living in Paris which is a pretty good kinda here. So to the girls that told me life was hard I said "yeah it is, gets harder too, but do you know what? You'll be ok, actually you'll probably be better then ok." Growing up sucks, being a teenager in this day and age is scary. I did stuff in my teenage years that I definitely shouldn't have but that all seems tame compared to what goes down now! And then you forget, being a young adult is equally grim so teenage years fade into distant memories. For 15 minutes though, with those girls, I was 15 again, I was sat remembering it all. It's not easy, it's never easy and it doesn't get easier; I'm pretty sure I'm not the best example for coming out the other side unscathed. But you learn, you grow, you survive things that could've broken you. The things you learn and get over only serve to make you the person you are now. And it's more then likely that the person you are now is doing pretty ok. That shit from my teenage years doesn't define me but it has put me where I am today, and I'm actually pretty grateful.

Wow, from nothing to say to a whole lot to say. 

I would now like to suggest we all go and put on our teenage angst songs, I will be playing Blink 182 'I Miss You' & Broken Social Scene 'Anthems for a 17 year old girl'. 

Halfway there

Ok so suddenly it's been two weeks since I last put pen to paper (or tapped away on a touchscreen) and talked about myself lots. I didn't mean to leave you all in the dark about my life happens so soz.

What's happened since my last post? Um I've done lots of coffee/shopping dates as per. I've started swimming again and actually trying to be fit (strength wise not sexy and I know it wise) like my swimming buddy Sara says 'not a new year's resolution but a life improvement'. I've done lots of crafting for an upcoming youth event at church and we've launch Alpha after what seems forever planning.  I gone out for drinks a few times, once was a poor decision on a Sunday evening and once was an accidental Friday night. Actually thanks to that glowing gin and tonic fuelled night I saw snow in Paris (you just gotta wait it out till 5:30am kids). I've had the nicest Saturday in a while which consisted of lots of chats and coffee, discovering new parts of Paris and a wonderful evening meal in good company.

I don't think I've missed anything out so lets move on to the nitty gritty. I'm halfway through, halfway through my contract as for halfway through my time here? Je ne sais pas, that for sure remains till be seen. I've made no bones about it, I hate my job, the family are wonderful and welcoming but I just do not enjoy being an au pair. It's stressful and pretty boring at times,  work hours suck and I really dislike being at the mercy of a family.  However I've built my life here pretty well, I've filled my time gaining experience in work that I actually enjoy and living the most amazing time in this beautiful city. I have done some things here I never would have or could have before and I've formed friendships for life.

And there is still so much to look forward too, from next weekend to next month. I've finally got some kind of idea what comes next after this adventure, I'm not ready to share just what yet but let's all enjoy that Kate is finding direction. There's holidays and visits to go on and I still have a long list of Paris to see. I determined to live every moment in this city enjoying it.  I wanna do everything, see everything and go everywhere. I got exciting plans for the next half a year and beyond and none of it includes sitting watching the world go by.

A nice brief updats because, well I gotta a lot to do!

I am

I am, je suis. Nous sommes, we are.
Whether it's followed by Charlie, Muslim, Jewish, Christian, United, the Capital of the World it's there.
There's no escaping this blog post, I live in Paris, my home is a city that last week suffered at the hands of terrorists.
You've all seen the news and know what's happened, in all honesty the pictures on the news is the extent of what I've seen from the attacks too. I live literally on the other side of Paris from the trouble.

But I've seen the aftermath, I've collected my children from school whilst an armed guard stands watch, my bag is getting checked just about everywhere I go, I've seen the march and heard stories from it and I've seen just how one city reacts to such an event.

I've also seen different people's reactions, I won't talk about them, not my stories to tell.  I'll talk about my reaction though, I refused to let the terrorists scare me.  Paris didn't stop so neither did I, it would be wrong to say life went on as normal but I didn't stop living.  Looking after two very aware children was a test; they knew what was happening so I had to do my best to answer the questions thrown at me including 'what do we do if you get shot Kate?'.

I also chose not to go on the march, 1 million people went, I would've been one face in the crowd. A face that hates crowds. I did my bit though; I taught the 10 commandments to the young boy who told me we should kill all the baddies at Bubbles during the morning service.  I also did that completely typically British thing of taking coffee and biscuits round to the police standing in the cold. See the church is right next to the British embassy in Paris, Sunday (march day) this was where all the officals congregated (pretty sure I saw DC in the AM). So there were LOTS of lovely policemen hanging about all day. I was hanging about at church in between services and didn't have much to do, so avec Natalie and Katie we wander round handing out hot café to the police. The policemen were completely shocked and taken aback by our small gesture, it was nothing to us but obviously quite something to them (we even got given a police nationale badge for our service.  Favourite. Gift. Ever)

And I did something bigger than any of these conversations and gestures; I prayed, lots. I wasn't afraid of my religion nor did I hide it. It's times like last week when I'm shown just how amazing my God is and just how much I can rely on him. I am proud that I put my fear and pain into the hands of mighty power and I will NEVER be silenced or scared of being a Christian.

So to all you that have asked this week of I was ok? I am ok, je suis ça va. 

The thing about resolutions

That's it, Christmas season over, 2015 has begun and I'm attempting to get my life back to some kind of normal routine.

Christmas 2014 was amazing, I was lucky enough to go back to Kent on the 21st in the end which meant extra days with my loved ones. The festive season kicked off in Paris the week before with Christmas drinks and lots of goodbyes untill the new year; I even helped to cook a Christmas dinner with Cath for some fellow au pairs. But it was stepping off the train at Ebbsfleet when I really started to get excited about the holidays. Coming home after 4 months away is always exciting, I love nothing more then walking through our red front door and being greeted by our over excited pooch; at 14 years old she takes a few moments longer to register me but she still remembers eventually. I spent 10 days at home which is longer then I normally did during university but it was so hard to leave this time. Holidays are meant to be for relaxing but this did not really happen for me; I packed 10 days full of seeing my beautiful best friends, spending time with family, catching up with old friends and I even went back to the pub for a few shifts. I ate too much, drank sooooo much gin and tonic and beathed as much country air as I could. I can't even begin to tell you how good it was to see everyone again, the older friendships get the more difficult it is being the one whose always away. But as Chantal pointed out, I haven't changed, much anyway I just have roots now, wear less colour and more lipstick. It was also so good to be out of a city and back in sleepy Kent, I've never appreciated it enough. Living so close to London and relatively big towns means our patch of Kent doesn't always feel as country as others but going back you realise it really is very country. I have realised that whilst it is fun for a while I could never permanently settle in a city, I'd miss long walks, country pubs and beautiful views too much. And as much as it pains me to admit, walking into a pub and knowing more then just the people you came with is nice.

But I did come back to Paris, just in time for New Years and to lock everyone out on a balcony for 2 hours (yup calamity Kate strikes again). I've got such mixed feelings about being back, I didn't want to leave Kent but I also really wanted/needed to come back to a big city and loose myself in it again at least for a little while longer. It's been a blessing really because it's pretty quiet here atm so I can take some time to relax and catch up on sleep before work starts again on Monday.

 So 2015, everyone made new years resolutions? I didn't, I never really do, resolutions always seem useless to me, I never stick to them. I could resolve to be a less messy, more stable person who doesn't make really bad decisions (or 'Kate' choices as Robyn so delicately puts it) who drinks less and saves more money. Who because she has saved more money can travel more. Someone who finally figures out where she wants to be, what she wants to be doing and who, well just who. But I'm not sure I'd be me if I took away all those things and why should I? I'm happy and healthy. However every new years eve I sit and write a letter to myself, dear past year me, here's what you've survived and achieved and here's what you've got to look forward too. I read them all back occasionally just to check myself. In fact I sit and write letters a lot, it's the BEST therapy, just sit there and write everything you're feeling down, address it to whoever you want or just yourself. Mine turn into prayers, revelations or just full in self indulgent dwelling, but whatever they end up like they help. I've got a book stuffed full of them, I read back over them and they make me cry, laugh, cringe and be thankful that I'm not going through that anymore. So here's to 2015, I'm sure I'll write many more letters throughout the year.